If I had a hammer...

So lots of pounding took place around here as gpa Larry came to visit. I had been wanting shelves in my art room closet so that I could store a few million things and clear it out so that it might function as a baby stuff catchall and future playroom. Also, I had been dreaming of a bench in our dining area so that we might have more storage and seating. And like Brian will someday do for his girls, my papa came up and lent a hand. Or rather just did it all as we are pretty inept with tools and building projects. It looks beautiful. All I need to do is paint some of the rough edges and make some cushions. Unfortunately, I had to work, but it sounds like the girls did a good job of keeping the boys out of too much trouble once the sun fell. Addi spent a good chunk of time updating gpa on all our goings on. She was quite the chatterbox. They are still pretty notorious for clamming up once the videocamera comes out, so other than eyewitness testimony we have no proof that they are starting their cute cooing stage.

What I think Addi did leave out was how naughty she had been for her mama this week. As we speak (or rather type) she is here trying to kick my hands and prevent me from tattling. Sleeping so soundly on her boppy the other day, she spit up and proceeded to choke. Luckily, I heard her. She turned the most awful shade of purple. I pounded and pounded on her to no avail and ran with her to the nursery where we found the bulb suction and tried to clear her nose. Everything was so thick that it wasn't moving. I pounded and pounded some more as she turned even darker and looked at me with a truly panicked look in her eyes. I suctioned her some more and some more and some more and pounded when she finally got out a few cries. It was at this point I started sobbing with her. I've done things like this a million times at the hospital where I have better equipment on hand and it's someone else's child. Nothing compairs to watching such desperation and panic in your own child's face and wondering if you are going to be able to save her. But I did. Poor Brian got a call from his then hysterical wife and Addi didn't get set down for the rest of the night.

I never thought while I was growing these girls that I would have to truly worry about ever losing my babies once they were here and home with me. We have all heard of SIDS and I knew it would be in the back of my mind, but I never imagined that losing one of my girls would be so real. That I would lay awake at night afraid I might miss the smallest noise that might alert me in time. Ugghh... I'm not sure I'm cut out for this. I figured I wouldn't have to worry until they were old enough to go to the playground or walk to school or even drive. How niave. If I wasn't neurotic before I sure am now. Luckily, my husband wonderfully supportive and very understanding and I think if I decided tomorrow that I needed to buy the girls helmets and bubbles to live in he might even humor me for a week or so.

Slowly, I am calming down. I realize that I can't always be there every minute of everyday. I will eventually need to use the bathroom. I will eventually have to shower. That doesn't mean I like it, but I'm trying to trust. It's scary to know that the best I can do is enjoy every waking minute I have with them and love them with all of my heart. I can't afford to hold back. I don't think I could even if I wanted to.