Pancake Thursday

My day off is finally here. I had previously deemed it "Pancake Thursday" but after last night's events I think I might change it to "Bloody Mary Thursday". It turns out that trying to get my hubby to the salon enough to actually cover his salon rent and make money hasn't been working too well. So we started talking about finding someone to come out for a couple hours twice a week to watch the girls so we could free up more time for him. We decided that if we could find someone from only 3-6 that it would be affordable and Bri could work from 3-9 which would be a pretty decent day. I was feeling okay about the whole idea and we even set up for two people to come out and meet us and the girls (Bri actually knows one of them already and she is a former nanny).

Then last night just as we were going to bed we hear a quick cry then silence then a quick cry and maybe some stuffiness. So I decided I needed to go down and check. I can hear it the minute I walk into the nursery. Addi is struggling to breathe and could only get out a brief cry/gasp now and again. I flipped on the light and there she is with curdled milk around her nose and lips and a mouth full of thick mucous and milk. Not much, but apparently enough to block things off pretty well. So after some patting (or rather, pounding) and vigorous suction (repeat, repeat, repeat) she was okay. It was only about 2 minutes top but it felt like a lifetime. Think about it. Actually sit down and watch the clock tick off two full minutes and imagine your child looking at you with panic in her eyes and not breathing but gasping. It was so fucking scary (I'd say pardon the french but, well it WAS fucking scary). Not as bad as she had choked in the past, but I guess I had really thought we were past this. I expected maybe some choking once we started table foods or something, but not anymore of this. And at bedtime. What if I'd been asleep. What if she does it while we are watching TV and can't hear her in her room? What if next time it's enough that she can't cry out to let us know? At this rate I'm pretty sure I'm not having any more kids. This is too much. I know I will always worry, but at least it'd only be over the two I already have.

And now the idea of leaving them with anyone, let alone someone we don't really know too well is so overwhelming. I can already hear it all "It was just a fluke, they'll be fine" and "You just have to love them, you can't control everything". Blah blah blah. So if that is what you want to tell me I don't want to hear it. Nothing personal but it's a bunch of BS. I want to hear "That sucks" or "God, I don't blame you for feeling terrified to leave them" or something worthwhile. And so help me if I hear anything along the lines of "Let go and let God" I will hit you. I'm not sure how, but I will find some way to reach through this screen and do just that. I know my hubby (and some of you) will probably be bothered, offended or upset by this last part of the blog. Oh well. This is how I feel. I'm sick of being made to feel like I am some sort of neurotic mom because I worry about my girls. What those people don't get is that if the right course of action hadn't been taken in some of these events my girls might have died. That's the reality. And I know that I AM the sort of person that might blame that person here who couldn't save them and then blame myself (for life) that I wasn't here to help them. At least if they do it on my watch I know that I know what to do and that if something were to happen I would know that everything that could be done would be. That's not to say I still wouldn't blame myself until my dying day and doubt that maybe I could do more, but that is easier somehow. So I don't want to hear something cliche or that I'm over reacting. I'm venting. I'm being honest. There is something to be said for that I guess. But any original thoughts I would be more than welcome to hear because I know that I can't be there all the time but I know it will be hard to let that replacement be a stranger.