On a serious note...

It's not very often anymore that I write about something other than my kids. But tonight I am feeling a bit more serious and troubled. Maybe it's the gurgling "am I getting sick?" belly or boredom... I remember looking forward to the nights my hubby was out (sorry babe, but I do) and the kids asleep so that I could have some time all to myself. I would have a list of the things I would like to do with that small amount of time. Tonight, well, I 've got nothing. Nothing I want to do. Well, maybe that's not true. I don't have the energy to pursue any of it. Good book, sewing projects, knitting projects, I mean there are only about a million and one things I've been wanting to do if only I had some time to do it.

But lately I feel so run down. Work is good and I like what I am doing, but most days it is crazy and chaotic and you deal with things as they crop up- someone calling, dropping something off, etc and then once that is done you start on one of the other million things on the to-do list. Then I rush out the door and across town to pick up the girls where I literally wrestle them to get them to their coats, boots and mitties on. Wrestle them in the car all the while keeping an eye on the "runner" who is off circling the car while their sister is being buckled in to make sure they don't head for the road or that no one else pulls in that might not see her. We talk a mile a minute the whole way home repeatedly repeating the same conversation we have everyday. "More..lights. Mama, more lights".. "Yes, lights. Keep looking".. "Turn, Lili turn".. "It's Lili's turn?".. "Ahh next, Ahh next".. "Yep, Addi's next"... etc, etc. To come in the door, peel everything off, stepping in wet snow all the while, getting the girls interested in something, anything, letting out the dog, starting supper, feeding the dog who is constantly under foot, blah, blah, blah. Jumped on, hair pulled, head butt to the nose, etc. By the time my hubby gets home and wants to "do something" and have me rub on his head or hold hands I am so tired I want to melt into the couch. And then it's off to bed to start all over the next day.

I am feeling crabby all the time. I'm feeling short tempered. One moment I am filled with joy with the way that Lili smiles and snuggles in close when you reach out and rub her back, obviously happy to see me, then the next moment I have to leave the room because I can't handle everyone climbing all over me like I am some kind of jungle gym, crying if I try to move them off. Ugh. I don't even know how to recharge. This week has been meetings every day at lunch so that is out. I went out Wed to do some shopping with my Christmas money, but once again it all felt so rushed. So tonight I sit feeling spent, rotting my brain reading blogs, too tired (and queazy) to accomplish anything.

I do apologize, I normally like to keep this light and fun, but I am having a hard time feeling light and fun as of late. I'm feeling like I've lost myself.